Once you have made some space to talk about any big, difficult feelings coming up in a way that helps you both feel accepted and heard (a tall order I know! If you’re having trouble with this part, talking to a sex therapist can be really helpful), cross the Nos off both of your lists. It’s okay to feel disappointed, and it is okay for your partner to feel disappointed, but instead of approaching this feeling like a problem to be fixed, try just making space for it to be an okay feeling to have. Something important to remember is that a No does not mean that your partner is rejecting you or judging you if you are interested in or curious about that thing, they are expressing that they are not interested in it or do not think they would enjoy it. This can often be the most intimidating part, because it can feel disappointing when we have a Yes to something that our partner has a No to, or vice versa. So with the Yeses down, it’s time to tackle the Nos. Even if there is something that we have a big YES on and our partner has a No, when we have already gone through and found all our matching Yeses it’s a little easier to accept the disappointment of things where we don’t match, because we still have so many other things that we DO match on. When we start with our yeses, it can make talking about the Maybes and Nos a little easier. You are allowed to change your mind, you are allowed to decide actually, I don’t want to do this! The most important thing to remember about Yeses is that just because something is a Yes right now, that does not mean that it has to be a Yes forever. It may be tough, but try not to focus your attention on the places where one person has a yes and the other person has a No, Maybe, or Fantasy just yet.Ī Yes can mean that I already know I like that and want to do more of it, or it can mean that I definitely want to try that. Lay your lists next to each other and look at all the places where both people have a yes. Okay, so you’ve gone through and marked all your responses, the next step is talking about it with each other! Gulp!Īn easy place to start is finding your matching Yeses.
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Do this when you have your own private time and space, at least 30 minutes to really sit down and think about it. The first step is to download the lists and fill them out according to the instructions on the list. This article is going to be all about the using a YNM list, and it will only tangentially talk about some of the potholes that can show up on the road to sexual adventure, so if you’re reading this and thinking “Oh God, we would never be able to talk about this!” that might be a sign that a sex therapist could help you learn how to talk about things like this. Whether you’re a tried and true vanilla couple who is looking to dip your toe into the deeper end of the pool, or an adventurous spirit looking to try white water river rafting, a YNM list can be a great way to get started! In this article, I’ll walk you through the process of using a YNM list to help you and your partner start talking about branching out.īefore you read this article though, if you haven’t read part one, Creating a Roadmap for Sexual Adventure #1: Why is it So F#%!ing Hard to Talk About Trying New Things? and find the idea of talking about your interests and fantasies daunting, I recommend checking it out, or connecting with one of our sex therapists at The Center to help you navigate that process.